Fleeting Looks
- By Tracy Ames
- Published March 8, 2011
Tracy Ames
My name is Tracy Ames. I’m an author of interracial erotic fiction. My stories are a sensual feast for your senses; mind, body and soul.
I began writing short stories for monthly newsletters and, believe it or not, my friends. After much encouragement, I’m ready to offer you a taste of what only a few have previously savored.
A native of the San Francisco Bay area, I currently split time between Greenwich CT & New York City with my husband, children and a host of pets.
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Yesterday’s blog post by R.W. Shannon sparked an interesting conversation amongst a few of my pals and my household. The point about online dating brought up the subject of how cyber meetings have changed the social etiquette of dating; particularly the when it comes to physical appearances.
My girlfriend Jodi brought up a very good point. Often, the chronically single will become stymied by the first impressions. So much so, they may resort to asking for a photograph prior to meeting anyone new. In addition to demonstrating shallowness, this method is simply not a good predictor of the quality of a future relationship.
Looks can be highly deceiving (a can photographs, for that matter), and personalities have the ability to altar perceptions.
Of course you should have standards and everyone has preferences. If we didn’t, this guy would be getting laid! But since we haven’t flushed all our self-respect down the toilet and there’s a ready supply of batteries, he’ll suffer dry balls for all eternity. It simply hasn't gotten that bad yet....
Many of my friends of both sexes have tried online dating with mixed results. Two of my girlfriends married men they met online and they’re still happy. My male pals haven’t been so lucky. Their biggest complaint goes back to my original comment about appearance. For years ago, men stalked the net collecting hot chicks...now women have turned the tables and demand hot men!
Good going gals! *high five*
Okay, that’s wrong, but it’s kinda cool to see women no longer hold the monopoly on insecurity about physical appearance. Which leads to my questions:
- Are you less likely to converse with someone based on their looks if they hesitate to surrender a picture of themselves (even though it’s been firmly established that they are who they are)? Do you see them as shallow?
- If the person doesn’t meet all of your standards, how likely are you to compromise if their personality suits you?
- How much does a person’s looks factor into your considering them as a potential spouse?
- If someone you were greatly fond of and clicked with immediately (they’re interested in you as well) declared your appearance was a hindrance to any further relationship, how would you feel and would it modify the value you place on physical appearance?
- What are your deal breakers?
- How greatly does your friends and families opinion of appearance weigh in your search?
- If a person wanted a picture of you before your first exchange, does that change the way you view them? Does someone’s insistence freak you out? Do you trust their motives or assume they’re looking for a good time?
- Though you question their motives, you give into they're demands. How much of yourself do you REALLY put into the relationship thereafter?
- If given the choice between a person with stunning looks and a lukewarm relationship, and an average person and guaranteed happiness, which would you run after?
Oh snap! I'm in your business!
My girlfriend Jodi brought up a very good point. Often, the chronically single will become stymied by the first impressions. So much so, they may resort to asking for a photograph prior to meeting anyone new. In addition to demonstrating shallowness, this method is simply not a good predictor of the quality of a future relationship.
Looks can be highly deceiving (a can photographs, for that matter), and personalities have the ability to altar perceptions.
Of course you should have standards and everyone has preferences. If we didn’t, this guy would be getting laid! But since we haven’t flushed all our self-respect down the toilet and there’s a ready supply of batteries, he’ll suffer dry balls for all eternity. It simply hasn't gotten that bad yet....
Many of my friends of both sexes have tried online dating with mixed results. Two of my girlfriends married men they met online and they’re still happy. My male pals haven’t been so lucky. Their biggest complaint goes back to my original comment about appearance. For years ago, men stalked the net collecting hot chicks...now women have turned the tables and demand hot men!
Good going gals! *high five*
Okay, that’s wrong, but it’s kinda cool to see women no longer hold the monopoly on insecurity about physical appearance. Which leads to my questions:
- Are you less likely to converse with someone based on their looks if they hesitate to surrender a picture of themselves (even though it’s been firmly established that they are who they are)? Do you see them as shallow?
- If the person doesn’t meet all of your standards, how likely are you to compromise if their personality suits you?
- How much does a person’s looks factor into your considering them as a potential spouse?
- If someone you were greatly fond of and clicked with immediately (they’re interested in you as well) declared your appearance was a hindrance to any further relationship, how would you feel and would it modify the value you place on physical appearance?
- What are your deal breakers?
- How greatly does your friends and families opinion of appearance weigh in your search?
- If a person wanted a picture of you before your first exchange, does that change the way you view them? Does someone’s insistence freak you out? Do you trust their motives or assume they’re looking for a good time?
- Though you question their motives, you give into they're demands. How much of yourself do you REALLY put into the relationship thereafter?
- If given the choice between a person with stunning looks and a lukewarm relationship, and an average person and guaranteed happiness, which would you run after?
Oh snap! I'm in your business!
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27 Responses to "Fleeting Looks" 
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said this on 08 Mar 2011 7:14:00 AM CST
Hoo boy, this part of online dating pisses me off! I tried dating sites and didn't put up a pic, unfair I know, but you never know when your co-workers or family members will run into your profile. So I would send a pic to a guy after we talked for a couple of weeks. Good convos, mind you. Well most would not talk to me after they saw my pic. To be fair i'm an african american running nerd with glasses and an afro. We are are rare breed. All of the guys basically stopped talking to me after they saw my pic. Yeah, I do not fit the Beyonce or Halle Berry image, but I don't scare small children away when I walk down the street. There are some shallow men out there, always will be. What kills me is that their bodies suck! JUST plain old suck. If I asked these men if they run or anything they say some of the stupidest things. Dude, I work out and run all the time, I would expect you to do something! (Sorry went off on a rant there). These men with crap bodies turn me down because i'm not what they call a true beauty, excuse me? I do know a girl at work, who is as wide as she is tall, has a supermodel mentality, and asks us if a guy is fat. How is it possible that you don't take care of yourself, but will turn down a guy if she thinks he's fat. People are truly twisted in their mentalities when it comes to looks.
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said this on 08 Mar 2011 3:20:25 AM CST
TA this reminds me of the reality show dating in the dark. 3 men and 3 women in one house, 1st group meeting is in the dark, 1st pair meeting in the dark, you then decide if you want to meet that person with the lights turned on. It never surprise me when a superficial person agrees to see someone with the lights on, then proceed to list every physical flaw they can see, even though they were able to get on well while in the dark. We are a shallow society! And with the introduction of the world wide web, you can be whomever you want to be, create the perfect persona and hope that when the lights are turned on your flaws are accepted
and BTW I am sure Elvis (above) has the ladies line up waiting for his number, after all he is irresistible with all that cushion:) |
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said this on 08 Mar 2011 5:50:22 PM CST
The shallowness comes in when the person won't even converse with someone who doesn't give them a picture straight away (despite their commonalities) and/or doesn't look like Halle. Or the person insist or bullies potential dates into crossing a line of intimacy before they're ready and without knowing them long enough to make such an request.
I purposely didn't add my two cents (well just a little) to the post because I wanted honest feedback & my opinion doesn't carry water because I've never dated online. But I can speak from the human side, though. To a degree I agree with Jodi. There has to be a level of maturity and manners...ie don't put "don't contact me if you don't have a picture posted" in your profile. Right off the bat that strikes me as immature and vein...they value looks above all else and they may be there for the wrong reasons. There still, I can't say I'd date the Elvis dude simply because he shared my love of history....there has to be a balance. Elvis dude= yuck! |
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said this on 08 Mar 2011 10:50:44 AM CST
I have dated people who society has deemed unattractive. (overweight, crooked teeth, cross eyed, etc) The profile pic of my last date was him holding a giant pancake (that’s what I said) so if I were superficial, I highly doubted that I’d have gone out with him.
I do ask for pics if none are present because I want to make sure the profile isn’t a fake and also to protect myself. There are a lot of nuts out there and between the Nigerian spammers, serial killers and con artist that also patrol the sites, one can’t be too careful. I have used the same profile pic that I use here (which is only a year old) and have been asked a) is that a real pic, b) do I have any full body shots c) how old I was when I took it. And yes, I do weed those mofos out with the quickness because those questions wouldn’t be asked by someone who wasn’t into looks. Because of my looks, I get asked out all the time. Based on just my pic, I’ve been offered everything from marriage proposals to weekend getaways, to a guy that who already decided that he wanted to have kid with me within a week of meeting me. Beside you kind of have to have standards. If you just dated anybody, wouldn’t that be viewed as being desperate or trying too hard to find someone? If I did that, I wouldn’t be single, but I also wouldn’t be with the right person. |
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said this on 08 Mar 2011 6:21:10 PM CST
First of all let me just say ewww Elvis is sporting some major camel toe. Grossss! Okay I've composed myself. *straightens jacket*. Lol!
There is nothing shallow or superficial about wanting a man who does not look like a monster. I do not want to wake up next to a creature, sorry. The guy does not have to be a ten in the looks department, I'll take a sweet average Joe over an Adonis who's a jerk any day. Online dating seems to be the way to go these days. Maybe I'll give it a go, who knows what I'll find. *shrugs* |
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said this on 08 Mar 2011 11:17:20 PM CST
Let's imagine that you're having a good online conversation with a gentleman. He's nice, respectful but also forceful with a strong will. He has you dreaming up scenarios about your first meeting.
You meet him and... he's Chewbacca. In fact, that might not even be a figure of speech. He might actually be a friggin' wookie. If he is, he's a fat friggin' wookie. He's fatter than Elvis there, like he's abused the hairclub for gorillas and discovered deepfried suet*. This is why men aren't the only ones who require a picture on the profile and/or response before they'll respond. I see that quite often in my strolls through Craigslist in my search for women who will agree to a free meal in exchange for spending that meal conversing with me. "Must provide pic in response." Only slightly less often do I see "must include face pic." (Appearantly, some men find that marriage minded women really think Chairman Ding Lee Dang is the most important thing to know about a potential husband.) For this reason, I'm actually in favor of putting facepics out there early on. I want to know I'm dealing with someone who, when we meet, I'll have a reasonable chance of recognizing. And, I also want to know that my face isn't a dealbreaker. I'm not a great man-beauty, I'm average. If she will only talk to a great man-beauty, I don't want to waste my time either. It's a good way to weed out the wrong people. It's also why I put my sense of humor into my Craigslist headlines. Latest one "Kiss me, I'm Irish. Fear me, I'm Scottish." I was actually told this might frighten some women off. If it does, they're not going to like my sense of humor anyway. Yes, there are some horribly shallow people out there. At first it hurts when they stop responding entireley, but at least you're not wasting any more time on them. * To explain that joke, suet is the dense fat found around the kidneys, used in the creation of haggis, blood pudding, and other dare-based scottish cuisine. |
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said this on 09 Mar 2011 12:24:04 AM CST
@wingedbeast: I once met a guy who said he was 5'11, so I wore high heels because I'm 5'5. I topped out around 5'8 that night. When we met, He came up to my chest, and sweat while eating hot wings. His pic was a head shot.
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said this on 09 Mar 2011 7:42:21 AM CST
I wish I had a way to weed out the liars for you.
By the way, I'm 5'7", maybe 5'8". Just throwin' that out there. |
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said this on 09 Mar 2011 9:47:42 AM CST
WingedBeast: I'm 5'5 1/2 yes, there is a half in there. I've been measured professionally. :P Do you like to run? :P
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said this on 09 Mar 2011 10:21:37 PM CST
I do goes on the exercycle and I walk. I'm not in that much of a rush.
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said this on 09 Mar 2011 11:51:11 PM CST
Ahhh, so you like to keep fit. :) Oh do share more with the class! Anything other things you would like us to know?
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said this on 10 Mar 2011 7:33:42 AM CST
In due time. In due time.
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said this on 10 Mar 2011 7:52:25 AM CST
Keisha and WB, stop flirting with each other. WB here is KW email address if anything a friendship is there :). [email protected] and if WB is a madman or a serial killer that's alright I am a madwomen and a serial something :)
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said this on 10 Mar 2011 10:44:49 AM CST
By the way, I will not stop with the Flirting!
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said this on 10 Mar 2011 7:52:56 PM CST
For the record, I'm not going to stop flirting until I'm done. I'm not a serial killer.
About me being a madman, well, there's no truly logical reason to do anything. All reason to do anything refers back to emotion, emotion is inherantly illogical and un"sane". If it weren't for madness, nothing would ever get done. |
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said this on 10 Mar 2011 9:08:58 PM CST
I'm quickly learning that I'm going to have to get on Facebook and a cellphone in order to have any conversation in this world. But, no, not quite yet. Both my big sister and my two little brothers really want me to get on both. (I'm 32, the two little brothers are in their early teens and need to have their cells taken away for them so they can have a complete conversation.)
Does it take long to sign up for FB? |
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said this on 09 Mar 2011 1:25:06 PM CST
WingedBeast, you are such a sweetheart, gentleman and a flirt lol, yesterday you were willing to save R.W. from a runaway train and today this!
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said this on 09 Mar 2011 11:55:11 PM CST
I'm still willing to save anybody tied to the tracks from a train. It's the untieing that'll depend on my mood.
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said this on 08 Mar 2011 11:58:32 PM CST
I should be asleep... but is that a camel toe.
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said this on 09 Mar 2011 12:19:29 AM CST
hahaha Pam, something like that. the male equivalent!
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said this on 09 Mar 2011 10:18:50 AM CST
I have to say that looks do play a part but being smart does too for me. I love to read and debate on relevant issues and I would choose a great mind over superior looks. I lie to myself that I am willing to compromise but in truth I am not willing to compromise on certain things like looks or intelligence. that being said. I can and have been attracted to people who don't have superior looks. So, I don't know it's confusing to say the least.
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said this on 10 Mar 2011 7:53:34 PM CST
- Are you less likely to converse with someone based on their looks..
I'm not less likely to converse with someone based on their looks but if I'm not physically attracted, then we would just converse as friends. There would be no flirting or anything on my end and if there was on his end, I would gently shut it down. - If the person doesn’t meet all of your standards, how likely are you to compromise if their personality suits you? If his personality suits me and he's cute but maybe not super hot, I would compromise and give it sincere effort. - How much does a person’s looks factor into your considering them as a potential spouse? Looks are extremely important. I want this epic love story where everything isn't perfect but sex is amazing. I want my future husband to be gorgeous, by my standards, so that I'm turned on when I look at him. - If someone you were greatly fond of and clicked with immediately (they’re interested in you as well) declared your appearance was a hindrance to any further relationship, how would you feel and would it modify the value you place on physical appearance? I've had it happen before. In a reverse way. I was interested in this dude and he was interested in me but he didn't like the attention I get and decided that he couldn't handle being in a relationship with someone who gets that much attention. It hurt because I wanted to be with him and I thought that it was all so stupid. It made me a bit upset about my physical appearance. When I started to notice how much it would bother him, I tried to decrease the amount of attention I'd get by dressing in sweats or wearing ponytails and stuff like that but eventually I just let it go. It's still kind of an issue but whatever. - What are your deal breakers? Deal breakers? I don't know. - How greatly does your friends and families opinion of appearance weigh in your search? The opinions of my friends and family are important but not so important that it would affect my decision. - If a person wanted a picture of you before your first exchange, does that change the way you view them? Does someone’s insistence freak you out? Do you trust their motives or assume they’re looking for a good time? This is always an issue for me. I always wonder why someone wants to be with me. If it's because they really want to get to know me or because they think I'm cute. I have a hard time trusting motives. I've been in the position where I was only sought out because of how I look and these guys had no intention of looking beyond that so I'm reluctant to believe that a guy has good intentions when he's already demanding pictures before any type of conversation. - Though you question their motives, you give into they're demands. How much of yourself do you REALLY put into the relationship thereafter? I'm really cautious. So I don't put 100% into the relationship until I feel more secure. - If given the choice between a person with stunning looks and a lukewarm relationship, and an average person and guaranteed happiness, which would you run after? Average person with guaranteed happiness. |