The Loss of Intimacy
- By Tracy Ames
- Published August 30, 2010
Tracy Ames
My name is Tracy Ames. I’m an author of interracial erotic fiction. My stories are a sensual feast for your senses; mind, body and soul.
I began writing short stories for monthly newsletters and, believe it or not, my friends. After much encouragement, I’m ready to offer you a taste of what only a few have previously savored.
A native of the San Francisco Bay area, I currently split time between Greenwich CT & New York City with my husband, young daughter and a host of pets.
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After watching BC sprint across the pasture towards the barns, I took my laptop on the front porch (because I’m country like that) and began my work day. A girlfriend asked me to write an article for her site about the loss of intimacy, sexual or other. Again, I’m not expert—I’m spit-balling from experience and countless hours of research.
The topic arose while we sat going through emails. I’m still amazed by the volume of emails I receive from men complaining about their partners’ unwillingness to seduce and beguile them. I thought we’d jumped that pond and were settled comfortably on the shores of sexual expressionism.
I’m not going to dive into the meaty goodness that is my article, but I will ask: Do we unwittingly limit our sexual passion when we tie ourselves emotionally to others? Do we, after the ring and kids, lose that burning desire for uninhibited lovin’?
Perhaps it’s not lost at all. Maybe the dry spell occurs without our knowledge because we become so caught up in the quotidian drudgery that makes up every day life with our spouse, we find it difficult to see them (and by proxy ourselves) as the primal beasts we once knew.
Or maybe it’s a sticky combination of things deep fried in a hot vat of WTF...who knows. One thing is certain, the reasons behind ones loss of intimacy are infinite and arbitrary which inherently makes it hard for people on the outside looking in to understand.
In the end, the question is how does one get it back? Or does one really want it back? Wanting intimacy with your spouse is key. If the very thought of your spouse touching you gives you the willies, you might want to sort that roadblock before you move forward.
“It’s not that I don’t want sex or intimacy, I just don’t want it from you.”
Ouch! Yes, those words hurt both the giver and the receiver but if its how the person feels then it’s valid. Admit and validating those feelings are the first steps to getting to the bottom of the problem. Understandably, some aren’t ready to take that step. Besides ‘Hey, little Billy isn’t your son’ or ‘Remember last Christmas at your sister’s house?’ telling your spouse that you no longer want them in an intimate capacity has to be the hardest words to utter.
Fret not; the vacuum created from the inability to face certain areas of one’s relationship is quickly filled by other means. No, not cheating. I’m talking about escapism….aka what pays my bills. Ummm, I’ll say no more.
Once the article is complete, I’ll post it here as well. Goodnight.
BTW, I'll try to write shorter blog post. Sorry....:)
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3 Responses to "The Loss of Intimacy"
said this on 30 Aug 2010 7:28:08 AM CDT
“It’s not that I don’t want sex or intimacy, I just don’t want it from you.” That statement was the light bulb that flickered on which had me in a lawyer’s office. It was the realization that I was only staying in my marriage because of my son. Biggest mistake! when a parent does that he/she, to a certain extent, is putting the failure and/or success of the marriage on the child/children’s shoulder. Yep it had gotten to the point where I dreaded any level of physical contact, sexual and/or non-sexual with the ex. And that’s when all the accusation of my “infidelity” started because he felt if I was not giving “it” to him I must be dishing it out like a buffet to others. I do miss the benefits of being in a committed relationship, having someone to come home and talk to, holding hands, snuggling to watch TV, etc. but what can I say life goes on. I was told by a guy I seemed so unapproachable because there was something about me which screamed “Do not advance” lol BTW DO NOT SHORTEN YOUR BLOGS!!!
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said this on 30 Aug 2010 7:54:05 AM CDT
Judy you're quite approachable...then again I don't have a penis. You're right, when parents stay on bad marriages for their childrens sake the weight is placed on the children. My cousins sat their parents down and asked the, to get a divorce. There wasn't any fighting but it was really uncomfortable.
Not wanting to be physically touched by one's spouse is a hint and a half something is wrong. Then come the accusation of infidelity. It's easier for some people to handle their spouse being a whore rather deal with them not wanting them. Sad really. You can work through infidelity...you can't work through "Don't f*ing touch me!" Lady, I looked back at some of my blog post...talk about blogzilla! |
said this on 31 Aug 2010 8:47:07 AM CDT
You know this is a big issue with married couples with children with the men or women stating he/she does not seduce them or initiate the intimacy.
Unfortunately this is said more by men than women, it should not be the responsibility of ONE person in a marriage to initiate the intimacy so while one or the other is waiting the distance can grow or someone outside the marriage will turn on the seduction. I try to tell my female acquaintance it is NOT slutty to seduce or role play for your man, definitely okay to tell him what you want and need when it comes to sex, to venture outside the bedroom. I appears some women are so hung up on what others will say about them if they acknowledge their sexual freedoms than what they need sexually. I on the other had do not have that problem, when I want him the only response I am looking for is "Oh hell YEAH" |