I Love Self-Reflection & Chicken Wings
- By Tracy Ames
- Published March 19, 2011
Tracy Ames
My name is Tracy Ames. I’m an author of interracial erotic fiction. My stories are a sensual feast for your senses; mind, body and soul.
I began writing short stories for monthly newsletters and, believe it or not, my friends. After much encouragement, I’m ready to offer you a taste of what only a few have previously savored.
A native of the San Francisco Bay area, I currently split time between Greenwich CT & New York City with my husband, children and a host of pets.
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Life is a funny thing. You kinda stumble through it with a sense of who you are but every now and then someone holds a mirror up to you and it takes a second to recognize the image staring back at you.
A couple of months ago, a girlfriend and I were chatting and shortly therein, we were joined by a few of her male friends. I didn’t know any of them. We laughed ourselves to tears and talked about the Military life. Towards the end, a couple of her guy friends asked about my writing so I gave them the url for the site.
Yesterday as I’m talking to my ex-boyfriend John it dawned on me that I hadn't spoken to my girlfriend. Quick note, John and my friend are childhood pals. So, in an effort to grasp what's happened, I ran it by him.
Here’s a summation of the conversation which followed. I’m pretty sure he’ll correct me if I get it wrong:
“Tracy, you still don’t get it. You’re one of those people who command attention even when you don’t seek it. You walk into a room and everyone focuses on you. Some women, even ***, are intimidated—you’re stealing their spotlight. *** isn’t used to having her spotlight stolen.”
“I don’t mean to steal anything. It’s not like I’m flirting with people.”
“You don’t have to flirt. It’s just your personality. People like you. They wanna hear what you have to say. Shit, I ditched my date the night we met! You may have been with (my boyfriend at the time) that night but everyone was looking at you. I was and so was the gay dude!”
“When we were together, that had to suck for you. Why the hell would you want to be with me?”
“I liked you being the center of attention because I got to home with you! The best part was you didn’t realize it. It’s who you are. You make people feel comfortable and some women hate that.”
"John, you're really making me feel like shit."
"Sorry babe. Tell Greg to call me later."
END
I was floored, so I talked to Greg about it. He coughed and um’ed a lot, then seconded John’s deduction. I've spent most of the day in the throes of self-reflection. As I’m weeding through the millions of parties and functions and family gatherings I’ve attended it struck me. They’re right! Somehow I become the center of attention. On further reflection, I realized this is a family trait…in my immediate family: my father, my brother Tim, and myself*.
I felt nauseas. To some, the ability to command a room would be seen as a gift. To be honest, it troubles me to think there’s a part of my personality which causes others pain. So starting today I’m going to make a conscious effort to…to…to…
What the hell should I do?!
It’s not calculated. I don’t flirt. I don’t dress provocatively. I don’t walk in waving road flares. In fact, I’m looking for the chicken wings and celery sticks. Social butterfly? Nope, I’m a social moth. I kinda flutter about, praying no one touches me.
I mingle because I hate when people are left out of the conversation especially when Greg is holding court. He's the social butterfly, not me! I want everyone to feel included...no sitting on the sidelines. Trust me, I don't want your men or the spotlight. Give me a glass of Coke and a seat near the buffet!
On a positive note, my friend and I kissed and made up. Her insecurity and my social mothness was the cause. No surprise there. I’m glad we chatted…it gives me something to examine. I think I need some couch time with my mom. She’ll sort me out.
*My sister Pam is a raging bitch so she gets attention for a whole nother reason. I love you, Pam. :)
A couple of months ago, a girlfriend and I were chatting and shortly therein, we were joined by a few of her male friends. I didn’t know any of them. We laughed ourselves to tears and talked about the Military life. Towards the end, a couple of her guy friends asked about my writing so I gave them the url for the site.
Yesterday as I’m talking to my ex-boyfriend John it dawned on me that I hadn't spoken to my girlfriend. Quick note, John and my friend are childhood pals. So, in an effort to grasp what's happened, I ran it by him.
Here’s a summation of the conversation which followed. I’m pretty sure he’ll correct me if I get it wrong:
“Tracy, you still don’t get it. You’re one of those people who command attention even when you don’t seek it. You walk into a room and everyone focuses on you. Some women, even ***, are intimidated—you’re stealing their spotlight. *** isn’t used to having her spotlight stolen.”
“I don’t mean to steal anything. It’s not like I’m flirting with people.”
“You don’t have to flirt. It’s just your personality. People like you. They wanna hear what you have to say. Shit, I ditched my date the night we met! You may have been with (my boyfriend at the time) that night but everyone was looking at you. I was and so was the gay dude!”
“When we were together, that had to suck for you. Why the hell would you want to be with me?”
“I liked you being the center of attention because I got to home with you! The best part was you didn’t realize it. It’s who you are. You make people feel comfortable and some women hate that.”
"John, you're really making me feel like shit."
"Sorry babe. Tell Greg to call me later."
END
I was floored, so I talked to Greg about it. He coughed and um’ed a lot, then seconded John’s deduction. I've spent most of the day in the throes of self-reflection. As I’m weeding through the millions of parties and functions and family gatherings I’ve attended it struck me. They’re right! Somehow I become the center of attention. On further reflection, I realized this is a family trait…in my immediate family: my father, my brother Tim, and myself*.
I felt nauseas. To some, the ability to command a room would be seen as a gift. To be honest, it troubles me to think there’s a part of my personality which causes others pain. So starting today I’m going to make a conscious effort to…to…to…
What the hell should I do?!It’s not calculated. I don’t flirt. I don’t dress provocatively. I don’t walk in waving road flares. In fact, I’m looking for the chicken wings and celery sticks. Social butterfly? Nope, I’m a social moth. I kinda flutter about, praying no one touches me.
I mingle because I hate when people are left out of the conversation especially when Greg is holding court. He's the social butterfly, not me! I want everyone to feel included...no sitting on the sidelines. Trust me, I don't want your men or the spotlight. Give me a glass of Coke and a seat near the buffet!
On a positive note, my friend and I kissed and made up. Her insecurity and my social mothness was the cause. No surprise there. I’m glad we chatted…it gives me something to examine. I think I need some couch time with my mom. She’ll sort me out.
*My sister Pam is a raging bitch so she gets attention for a whole nother reason. I love you, Pam. :)
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9 Responses to "I Love Self-Reflection & Chicken Wings" 
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said this on 19 Mar 2011 7:46:30 PM CDT
Tracy, honestly, you guys are so..........civilized, LOL! Your ex-boyfriend and your husband are buds? Damn! :) As for your girlfriend, please! Some people just "got it like that"! Apparently, your personality fills a room. ::shrug:: I don't know what's to be insecure or upset about. I admire those who can command a room without effort or knowledge. They are who I aspire to be but will never be and I'm good with that. I don't think you need to reflect on anything; and I don't think you have anything to change or fix. You notice your husband never mentioned it till you had to pull it out of him. That's telling me he doesn't see a damn thing wrong but if you needed to hear it and he had to oblige. Just keep being fabulous Tracy Ames
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said this on 19 Mar 2011 9:22:52 PM CDT
Lady, you're so sweet. Greg's cool with most of my exs! It's the weirdest thing but it works. *shrugs* If there are minor tweaks I can make then I'll do so. How the hell do you change something you didn't realize you were doing? Okay, I still don't see it. Yah my mom is gonna sort this one out.
Debbie, you're absolutely fine the way you are. You and Pam B. crack me up but you also make me think. I love it. |
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said this on 19 Mar 2011 9:32:23 PM CDT
I am going to make an effort to be serious.
We all have our gifts. You have the ability to make everyone feel at home. You don't judge, you're funny and even when you rant you're nice about it. There is nothing that needs changing. You didn't go into that conversation with your friend and the guys with the intention of stealing the spotlight, but rather with the intention, at least it is how I feel when I am on the site and when I talk to you, of allowing everyone to be heard. There is no ego involved. That is probably what was really bothered your friend, that you natually have the ability to draw people to you. You seem not to have to work at it, where talking in social setting is torturous for others. You are just a really kind and generous with yourself. Everyone responds to that. It's a good thing-no couch time necessary. |
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said this on 19 Mar 2011 10:04:28 PM CDT
Olga, you're a dear. :( You know it takes a whole lot to make the gloves come off. If I'm pissed it's for a very good reason. Besides, I don't do bitter very well and I'm not quick to judge. I'm a Domina and write erotica! Do I really want people making snap judgments about me?
I will make an effort to throw folks into the spotlight....you know, the one I didn't know I was stealing. I can't stop thinking about it. |
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said this on 19 Mar 2011 10:18:14 PM CDT
TA you b****, I’ll scratch your eyes out for stealing my spotlight. Lmao TA you are fine just the way you are. Some people will always find fault(s) in your strength(s). The fact that you were not aware of that specific moth-like personality trait shows that it’s not being done deliberately and maliciously. As a “friend” Ms Chica should have known that-don’t let ones insecurity dampen your personality. Your girl is the one who need to "self-reflect". (Girl take the spot light!!! Here’s why I would benefit (1) that means there’s more wings for me and (2) you distract everyone and I the angelic one can commit the crime of the century and no one would see it coming. Perfect the moth and the angel. P.s. since Greg is a member of “The Circle” I must hold all comments for 24hrs-tomorrow the gloves come off)
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said this on 19 Mar 2011 11:23:00 PM CDT
I second Olga's thoughts. The fact that you sensed or even noticed something was wrong indicates the type of person you are.
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said this on 20 Mar 2011 8:22:28 AM CDT
Third to Olga's assessment. People are draw to warm and generous personalities, not just flash and pomp. I don't even know you, but consider the things that are evident: the premise for your site, bringing authors and writers together; no ads because you don't want to annoy readers; you are crazy in love with your Hubby, and good friends with an ex (which means that you don't cut people up when you break up); and you worry about being compelling because you don't want to alienate others. That adds up to warm and generous. Especially in a world where so many others are trying to bolster themselves by making other people feel small, a personality that attempts to lift other people up is going to be a big draw to anyone nearby. Really, it's almost like you're providing a public service. :) Didn't know that you were a Domina! SWEET. So now I must add that it's your job to be compelling! Rock on, lady. Somebody has to take responsibility for being awesome for all the RIGHT reasons.
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said this on 20 Mar 2011 10:53:57 AM CDT
I agree with everyone. Your not the one who needs to change anything. There is nothing wrong with having a generous and approachable personalilty. There nothing wrong with wanting people around you to feel included and comfortable. If there are people who are intimidated by that fact hat you possess these quality and that it naturally draws people to you. That's there issue not yours. They are the one who need to look at themselves and make some changes not you.
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said this on 21 Mar 2011 12:26:21 AM CDT
you don't need to do anything! Just accept your fate Trace!!!!! It's not hard to see why you're the center of attention. Besides the fact that you are one of the most smokin' hot women I've ever seen you're also sweet, kind (almost to a fault) and are so damn easy to talk to. Why do you think I always come to you when I need an opinion or when I have a problem? I think you're the center of attention for a good reason, not a bad one. Just accept the awesomeness that is Trace!!!!!!
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