Happy 4th of July!

My initial plan was to write a patriotic ode to our nation’s independence however, after a chat with my sister in-law, a glass of wine, and a couple of Benadryl things went in an entirely different direction.

This year I’ve decided to honor (objectify) a man who exemplifies all that’s great about our fine country and who has singlehandedly destroyed more ovaries than John Holmes.

That’s right. America’s weapon of mass seduction: Christopher Robert "Chris" Evans. Remember his name because you'll be screaming it once he flashes those pearly whites.

One is easily distracted by his physical majesty. But it’s his carefree bravado coupled with his talent and heavy doses of self-deprecating dorkiness, and insecurity* that makes him irresistible. How he gets through the day without crumbling under the weight of his own perfection defies logic.

Did I mention his smooth, sultry singing voice? Where some singers capture your heart, Chris reaches into the nether regions of your soul and makes love to you. In fact, his voice should be classified as the UNF because he’s mastered the art of simultaneously caressing your ears and your genitals.

Oohhh the body! I don’t know where to start. This man oozes sex appeal. He looks like the kinda person who’d sweep you off your feet, toss you around the bed mercilessly, and then pleasure you from head to toe. And I bet he’s into some kinky stuff. Luckily, he comes equipped for action. Observe his shoulder to waist ratio, that’s baby making material. Thank goodness Marvel threw in a slow motion booty shot. His ass deserves the Oscar for best cameo.

Have you seen his chest and arms? He can crush me with his cudgels any day. And those lips were made for kissing. I love the way they look when he says fondue. Seriously, could they be any hotter?! Since we’re talking about his mouth, how about that adorable sharky grin. That thing could cure cancer, end world hungry, and bring peace to the Middle East in an afternoon. Its abilities are limitless.


Let's talk about his wells of blue-grey-ish sexiness...aka his eyes. I wouldn't break eye contact so it's probably best we never meet, but I'm sure he's accustomed to women peering mindlessly at him. However, staring at him is risky business - he's been known to melt a room full of panties with a bat of his thick lashes and a puppy dog expression.


Bottom line, Chris is a pinch of naughty and nice which in my opinion epitomizes America. We have internal issues and we’re often obliged to project an image in stark contrast to reality. But people still wanna kick it with us and we’re also the first to extend a helping hand to those in need even when that means staying long after the cameras have stopped rolling and cleaning up someone else’s mess. Have a safe holiday.

* He’s socially awkward and doesn’t handle public attention very well. As a result, he suffers frequent panic attacks before appearances and prefers his real friends to the industry types.

Jane, I hope I did you proud. :)